Leaching

First and foremost: Thank you for the birthday wishes. It was a lovely day; perhaps uneventful by the standards of most, but since when do I give a shit about their standards? Exactly.

For a while, I've been thinking about the people in my life: what their roles are, and if they're necessary. I realize that sounds harsh, but when I evaluate the type of person and friend I am, and see who I have surrounded myself with, I am realizing there is a disconnect. As I'm writing this in the lobby of this hotel, I feel that I am in a temporary phase of life-a place I'm staying out of necessity, until proper accomodations can be secured. Anyways, I've realized that with the exception of a very small number of people, (p.c.e), I am not getting what I am giving in these relationships. This was followed by the thought that I may not be giving as much as I used to, but it's more that I find myself longing for the same support and nurturing that I know I provide to others. It feels like my positivity, optimism understanding, empathy, listening skills, and ability to accept people for who they are, are being leached from me, and I'm left with nothing to regenerate.

Something comes to mind about expectations that I can't quite articulate right now, and quite frankly, I'm too tired and lazy to try, but I'm seeing that these friendships, like anything passed its expiration date, are beginning to sour. I have to allow the embers to go out. It's frightening, but I do have faith that I will meet new people who are just as great as they are. They are not being replaced, by no means, but perhaps I have learned what is necessary to take the next step. In addition, living on the fumes of memories that are no longer relevant to our current life experiences do not a healthy friendship make.

I also considered the fact that I don't open easily, and not to everybody...but when I think about the friendships that are near and dear to me: they took no effort. I was open from the beginning. I wanted what they wanted, and we were able to make the relationship one that promoted and fostered growth of all forms.

It is hard to know when to let go, and whether or not to do so. I've been struggling with that for a while on a number of things. Yet, I feel (haha, apparently I feel a lot lol) that to grow you must let go. It's scary to try out your new self, but it's even scarier not to and to be left wondering what you could have become while resenting those you were supposed to let go of to achieve it.