Brakes

Tripping down familiar lanes of infatuation
equilibrium off kilter
for the warm fuzzies have over taken
all mental hesitation
which as yet have been few...
instead a surge forward

go to quickly
seest thou not what lieth ahead
as then, so become now
for then and now are one and the same
of original making-not automaton-like but by
creative and constant flow of
thoughts and emotions-feelings:
give birth to thy future

Yes, in the eyes the stars burn
brightly once again, shining with curiosity and anticipation
yet in the depths a steady caution.
Recovered from the seeds of experiences' fruit
a new approach-recognition, rendevous
expectations, needs, faults, aspirations, hopes
Plunging simultaneously but with
all eyes open...
Maybe this is the right formula?

:Enev Be:

Lost!

Lost! Coldplay

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I will cross
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worseI just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...
You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one
And you'll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing starts
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off…

Pshh

The other day, someone asked me how I, or anyone else for that matter, can be happy when there is so much going on in the world to make one unhappy. How could I, or anyone else, sit in my little bubble of existence when people outside of it are hungry, diseased, dying, killing etc. I asked if I should live my life unhappy just because of that. What this person failed to realize is that to make change possible, someone has to be happy, and that someone has to do something to make someone else happy...because true happiness is doing something to make someone else happy, being selfless, doing for others. I'm happy in my bubble because I can see the big picture: the one where after all my schooling, I am finally able to make a difference in helping people. Today, I do it by being involved in the community. Am I being selfish to be happy? I don't think so. I think the larger matter at hand, is why isn't this person happy? And why are you trying to rain on my parade because I, and several other people for that matter, are doing something? Don't criticize unless you are going to be doing something to make whatever it is different.

Used To

As I sit here, letting darkness fall on me, I'm fighting away memories. They've been coming at me full speed today, and I don't know what it is about the day that has me looking out of the window and wondering. I'm trying not to replay episodes of what used to be, trying instead to write this paper I'm working on, but for some reason my focus is off. I feel silly remembering. I feel foolish. I want to let go, yet I can't. The box I thought I had neatly packed away, came crashing out of storage today, spilling the contents of a courtship no more. And I don't know what to think about it, so I think about it. Maybe in a effort to put it back, maybe to look for a replacement, maybe to understand what I learned...or lost? I'm not sure. I'm not sad, or disappointed. I'm not upset, or longing for it either. I'm just...just...renewing my attempt to get used the absence I guess. It's dark in here now, except for the light of the laptop and I'm no closer to whatever it is than I was before, but maybe that's ok. As Massive Attack plays over the speakers, and I look to see the song is called... "Unfinished Sympathy" I have to check out the lyrics.

I know that i've been mad in love before
And how it could be with you
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now i've got to know much more
The curiousness of your potential kiss
Has got my mind and body aching
Really hurt me baby, really cut me baby
How can you have a day without a night
You're the book that I have opened
And now I've got to know much more
Like a soul without a mind
In a body without a heart
I'm missing every part

Hmm. I'm not sure what I think about all that, but something about the music got my attention.

I know from past experience that there are days like this. I also know that they end.

:Enev Be:

Hungry for Change

Wildly Imaginative.
Disruptive by Nature.

Has anyone felt a surge of creativity? Happy Best Friends Day!

I removed pictures from an old cork board that I found deep in my closet. It was close to Narnia, but not quite. Oddly enough, the board had clustered pictures of people who I no longer have any association with. (and yes I know that wasn't grammatically correct)
There went Joe, Angela, Bridget, Chris...and it felt good seeing spiral down into my kitchen garbage can. Once thrown in with rotting food, nothing can be salvaged! This might fall under spiteful catharsis, but hey, isn't that what voodoo really is?
And with a clean slate, up went the pithy hook from IBM's global site (above); a DB9 set against the view of the Charles Bridge in that oh so lovely, but creepy town of Prague; a salute to female snowboarders everywhere, "Ride Like a Girl."; a babbling brook (for a constant stream of free flowing creativity); "Home is the most important place in the world" (compliments of the ikea catalog); and an homage to my grandmother.
And this may sound too abstract, but I've closed the door on wishing for people to fulfill my ideals. We're looking to feel a certain way and find someone to validate it for us. It seems far more noble to chase a higher expression of ourselves and our ideals than the person who we think might make it ok for us to have them. I spoke to someone who has become a fundamentally ridiculous presence in my life. He is a person who looks for someone to pat him on the back for a good deed (of which he would have felt guilty for not doing anyway). He is a person who perpetuates a negative energy cycle because his expectations exceed what he is willing to give. I am almost convinced that he does not understand constructivism. Blood, sweat and tears mean very little to him and his perceived rewards reflect that. And while we run around trying to outdo each other story for story, the integral part the exchange that he is missing is that if you are good to people, they are good to you. When a friend rushes to your aid when you are in a bind and they take care of all that you cannot, that is undeniably a reflection of you. They exist in few, but are great in force. When someone on the outside tells you that you have nice friends, you should tell them it is because I would do the same for them. This is what a positive energy cycle is. And there is no shame in relieving yourself of people who are determined to be less. We mirror the behavior of others, no matter how hard we try. In a reactionary world, it is hard to be proactive.

Quotable quotes

"Honor is self-esteem made visible in action."

-Ayn Rand

"None of us suddenly becomes something overnight. The preparations have been in the making for a lifetime."

-Gail Godwin

"The more you try to be interested in other people, the more you find out about yourself."

-Thea Astley

"You must learn to say no when something is not right for you."

-Leontyne Price

"...I was taught that the way of progress is neither swift nor easy..."

-Madame Curie

Leaching

First and foremost: Thank you for the birthday wishes. It was a lovely day; perhaps uneventful by the standards of most, but since when do I give a shit about their standards? Exactly.

For a while, I've been thinking about the people in my life: what their roles are, and if they're necessary. I realize that sounds harsh, but when I evaluate the type of person and friend I am, and see who I have surrounded myself with, I am realizing there is a disconnect. As I'm writing this in the lobby of this hotel, I feel that I am in a temporary phase of life-a place I'm staying out of necessity, until proper accomodations can be secured. Anyways, I've realized that with the exception of a very small number of people, (p.c.e), I am not getting what I am giving in these relationships. This was followed by the thought that I may not be giving as much as I used to, but it's more that I find myself longing for the same support and nurturing that I know I provide to others. It feels like my positivity, optimism understanding, empathy, listening skills, and ability to accept people for who they are, are being leached from me, and I'm left with nothing to regenerate.

Something comes to mind about expectations that I can't quite articulate right now, and quite frankly, I'm too tired and lazy to try, but I'm seeing that these friendships, like anything passed its expiration date, are beginning to sour. I have to allow the embers to go out. It's frightening, but I do have faith that I will meet new people who are just as great as they are. They are not being replaced, by no means, but perhaps I have learned what is necessary to take the next step. In addition, living on the fumes of memories that are no longer relevant to our current life experiences do not a healthy friendship make.

I also considered the fact that I don't open easily, and not to everybody...but when I think about the friendships that are near and dear to me: they took no effort. I was open from the beginning. I wanted what they wanted, and we were able to make the relationship one that promoted and fostered growth of all forms.

It is hard to know when to let go, and whether or not to do so. I've been struggling with that for a while on a number of things. Yet, I feel (haha, apparently I feel a lot lol) that to grow you must let go. It's scary to try out your new self, but it's even scarier not to and to be left wondering what you could have become while resenting those you were supposed to let go of to achieve it.

life's not easy

why not challenge yourself living it?

Festina Lente

the right timing and the right degree, governed alike by vigilance and patience, so that nothing regrettable is done through haste, and nothing left undone through sloth ...
—Erasmus

I'm imposing lyrical standards to this blog!

Enev B, Happy Birthday! I thought I had used every medium of communication possible, but I forgot this one. Did you see that smoke signal?

Yesterday, I talked to the universe. An effusion of less than eloquent, trivial and weighty things spilled all over the Appalachian Trail. I have been pressured by mountains, waterfalls, frogs, and spiders to examine myself under intense scrutiny.

This is what I got:

The universe bestows gifts of all kinds to those who give and receive gracefully, the universe also punishes people who do not use everything that they have been given.

Just For You!

to none other...





Happy Birthday Enev Beeee`!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


p.c.e.

Fitting Fingerprints

This blog...tones, meters, silent inflections...tis'to'be an interesting reading ride...It fits my hands and the fingerprints therein in an exacting type of way!

...and that unearthing admonishment to make "doing good" habitual and therefore totally eradicting the ease to and of doing wrong...and the wardrobe and direction change that the earth, universe, existence is in the midst of is so real in many different ways - I wonder do you really know how far in you were - and I gather you do because you're so perfectly "off-centered" in a "centered" type way. There's a Storm coming people and that Peace could very well be the calm - BIG! In it's totality, your entry right-clicked me at an "IN-Decision" type status, like "okay, what am I going to do and be here - everything's shifting and I got a brief breather here to enjoy yet get it together!"...amazing...


Momo - you're drift is catchable in so many dynamics, but the chase is so thrilling - go fast & turn more corners - I like how my hair blows in your literary wind!

.jly

Double, double, toil, and trouble

Fire burn, and cauldron bublichaka???

Before we go on portending the future; analyzing the universe's emotional state; and general hatery, let's thank god for today, tomorrow, and everything that brings us here. A warm welcome to all of you fine effectual writers!

After a two-day scramble trying to secure a future, I can now portend a life full of Diddy-like awe and wonder...Oprah-like if that's not your style. And in the company of positivity, I am thankful for much and recognize what is unhealthy and hurtful. Today, I let love rule and summon the strength to cast away all that is unnecessary and welcome all things bright and new.

Cheers!

momo

Indecision

Today's profound truth:

"I think the thing we are all not seeing is that indecision not only annoys us, but it reverses our fortune."

-Momo


I have so much I want to say about that, but I think leaving it as food for thought is the best way to do it justice.


:Enev Be:

Peace

I've been trying to see for a couple of hours. It's two in the morning now, and I cannot say that I'm any further than when I first started. Twice today I was told that the universe is cooking up something big. I felt that too, I can feel something. Perhaps that is what prompted me to create this blog today-after I did it, I felt really, really good; so, it pleases me to no end that my dear friend Jly also caught the feeling that this could be big.

Today, well, for the last couple of hours, I have felt calm: that special brand of silence within the soul that allows you to be open and receptive to truths-inner peace. I don't know where it came from, and it's not what I set out my time seeing looking for, on the contrary, I was looking for answers, hints, clues, signs of what to expect. But what I got...what I got was way better than anything I started out looking for...maybe I should explain.

At the end of my conversation with Momo, I grabbed my fancy smancy red notebook that pretends to be a journal (there are barely enough entries in there to call it a post-it), my current favorite pen, my bible, and xeroxed prayers that had fallen out of it. I moved over to my sleeping station (i.e. the floor) and began flipping through the Bible. I didn't find anything particularly helpful to me, but since I was in a praying mood, I decided to say the prayers that my grandmother had given me, the same ones which had fallen out of my bible. After doing so and praying for insight, I opened the red book--hmm, I think I shall name it--and I began to flip through what I had written over the last year. After doing that, and realizing how much things have changed since then, and how others have gone to shit since then, I put it down for a second and stared at the ceiling. Then I curled up on my side and began to write:

"Love is wanting to possess the good in perpetuity." *

"The universe is starting to boil."

Today, I found myself psychically and spiritually wandering without knowing it. Running away from the need to be right here, right now-to just be, and to take in what was going on out there right here. That's how I've been for about a week, kind of running away from myself, and I didn't even realize it. But back to my point. I didn't get much further than those two lines, because I kept remembering when a couple weeks ago, while contemplating creation, I discovered a sense of calm. I wrote then that I wanted to learn to maintain and cultivate it, and how by doing so I would be able to always know that whatever happens, things will be alright. I kept coming back to that moment as I tried to see today, and it wasn't until I sat down and began writing this that I finally got it: inner peace with myself and God.

I was sitting there straining to hear and see, and I heard nothing. I heard silence. I heard my thoughts and feelings slow down to the point where I could hear my soul breathing. Calm, content, peaceful. Not what I was looking for at that moment, but what I had been trying to find for a week. And with it came what I've been trying to tell someone for a couple days now: do right, do good. Be you to your best of your ability. Once you make doing right a habit, you see how hard it is to do wrong. Whatever is going on with the universe right now, it is important to be good to people. I feel like that is extremely important at this time-not because it will come back to you, not because you expect something in return, but just because it is right.

And by this, I also mean for people to be good to their own person. That dream you have? Chase it. That song you can't get out of your head? Sing it. That thing you've always wanted to do? Do it. Those goals, those hopes, those whatevers they are: make them your reality. Don't know how? Listen.


Listen.

L.i.s.t.e.n:

To yourself, create that moment of stillness in which you hear your soul's purpose...and then...

be heard.


:Enev Be:

* (Misquoted lol by me from the All About Love Dialogue Scene, which is based on Plato's Symposium)

It actually reads: I was just going to say that love is not only the desire to possess the good, but to possess it in perpetuity. Forever. That's what love is. So now, everybody repeat after me: Love is wanting to possess the good forever. -Diotima

http://home.earthlink.net/~marnest/allaboutlovescene.html
Just thought I'd clear that up, in case anyone wanted to read it-good stuff.

My Name Is...

...as they say "if you want something done right, do it yourself"...and as much as I'm my own person and not you, or you, or you, Enev B - you're so much of me'self.

Greetings...

Present Company Excluded - clever, witty, applicable, present and oddily enough - Inclusive!

...there was this feeling of awe in reading the wine bottle that broke against this ship of blog, that feeling that I used to feel when walking down Romerstrasse to school - on the first day of school when the cars rushed past leaving a smell of exhaust and rubber and made me realize how fresh the morning air really was. Compared to the air inhaled at lunch time or when school was over - inhaling the air said - this could be the 1st day of the year that my crush finally stops ignoring me, the air said something big can happen today - the freshness allowed me to feel okay about leaving my bedroom and kitchen full of goodies for hallways, desks and wrinkle-skinned teachers...

...The feeling I felt in reading that flagship entry said, this might actually be something big, it made me bounce my leg and wonder how to approach the exclusion of an entity that is(not)...

Well, this in-deed is Big - Enev B, you never fail to amaze me!


This is my introduction and my name is...well - it doesn't matter uhh - I'm not here.

P.C.E.

A start

We have been bouncing around the idea of doing this for a while...which really means during a conversation some words came up that were inspirational (oh how very often that happens) and a group of them sounded like they would make a nice title-that and the fact we tend to say "present company excluded" knowing full well that it is implied...alas as my summer nears its end, and the forces of the universe collide around me in their regenerative dance, I decided why not just do it already? So along with a few choice writers (and at least one more I hope to invite) I present the world as we see it: a place that's mostly good, and full of people dying to realize and actualize their potentials, while acknowledging that it is also full of raging morons-present company excluded.


:Enev Be: